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Do We Need Marriage Counseling
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| By Dr. Victoria Fleming |
How do I know if we need marriage counseling?
I meet so many people who tell me their marriage is a source of stress in their lives. Others will point to their spouse as cause of their anger, sadness, or dissappointment, but they won't mention their marriage, per se, they'll just point to their spouse and assign blame! Once a couple has reached the fault-finding point ("It's your fault!" "No, it's your fault!") it can still take a lot of time and deliberation to get past their reluctance to seek outside help.
Sometimes, one spouse wants to see a therapist and the other is reluctant or outright refuses. So, now there is another point of tension between them -- do we get help or not? Why the hesitation? It often comes down to a fear of change. I know this may sound absurd. Why would anyone be afraid of change, especially in a marriage that isn't working? Well, many people would rather stay in a bad marriage than be alone. The fear of the marriage ending stops a lot of people from looking closely at how the marriage isn't working. So couples continue to live with the symptoms of a bad marriage until they become unbearable, and after years of pain, they may finally cry "Uncle!" and come in for help. But is it too late at that point?
Is there such a thing as "too late"?
I get this question a lot. I have to preface my answer with the disclaimer that I am an eternal optimist. I believe in the inherent capacity for human growth and change, and the ability of everyone to develop insights along the way that will help them to engage more successfully with other human beings! Even for couples who have separated, there is a chance of reconciliation under certain conditions. What are those conditions? That's the trick, isn't it? Each person has to be willing to step out of their own ego and be open to their stuff that blocks them from fully engaging in the process of marriage.
What kinds of problems can be solved with couples counseling?
There are too many to list! It's probably more helpful to talk about the issues that cannot be addressed in couples counseling. If one (or both) lives with an addiction, yes, the enmeshment and/or codependency is a marital issue, but until the addiction is addressed individually, little will be done to substantively improve the marriage. If there is abuse of any kind, there can be no work on the marriage until the abuse stops. Still, let's say there are no addiction or abuse issues; the marriage isn't working for other reasons. It's worth mentioning that there are absolutey no guarentees that problems can be fixed with counseling. A professional mental health therapist can do their best to faciliate the process of reconciliation, but ultimately, the hard work must be done by the couple.
A counselor will not take sides, nor will she weigh in on what the outcome ought to be. The goal of counseling is to allow the couple to successfully communicate without triggering one another. Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? It's actually pretty complicated when you get down to the details of who triggers under what conditions and why? And ultimately get to the question: Can we learn to respect and love one another enough to keep our egos and impulses in check?
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